My mom told me something when I was very young that stuck.

“If you’re feeling down about yourself, it can help to do something kind for someone else.”

As cliche as it might be, that statement stops me in my tracks every time. It’s a total game-changer, forcing you to get out of your head and do something actionable. Think about the power in that! It puts you back in control when you feel desperately out of it. All of the sudden, you’re moving and thinking and being fierce!

I am not trying to trivialize the malaise that generally creeps up upon us during the holidays. December is always stressful–particularly the gift-giving aspect, if you’re that sort. And most of us are. After all, who doesn’t like to look forward to receiving things?

What I’d like to propose is an alternative to the typical way of thinking about the holidays, as inspired by my late mother. Not many of you met her, but those who did I’m sure instantly got a sense of her sincere nature. She was the sort who took notes on conversations (no joke–she kept them in her purse!). If you said you had forgotten to purchase basil at the store, there would be a bag of it on your desk in the morning. She would give my friends rides to the bus stop, just cuz. She’d bring a surprise cake to you or hold your hand while you were hurting. My mom always had a smile for you because you needed it–not necessarily because she was happy.

This post is not meant to wax about my dead mother. I just want you to see that these types of selfless people totally exist, and we can learn so, so much from them! What really gets me down is factual crap, stuff that nobody would argue just plain flat out fucking sucks. What I’ve learned to do is spin it around, in order to just get through my day. Only by making things positive do I give myself a chance to regain control.

For instance: It fucking sucks that my mother died young.

Turning it around: I’m so blessed that I got to spend 26 years with the most inspiring woman, and get to call her my mom.

These turnarounds have been key to my thinking, especially while trying to compose this post about gift giving. There are plenty of things that blow–like, really, REALLY blow. I want everyone to harness, caress, and really KNOW the power they have in shitty situations. Turn it around!

Which brings me to my mother’s lesson. Lately I’ve been honored to have some friends confide in me that they are going through some dark times. I would never tell anyone, “oh, it’ll pass” or “it’s not so bad”… because sometimes, it really is so bad.

What follows is a lovingly composed essay about what I do to survive the holidays. I hope it can somehow help you cope, too. I would be happy to have any feedback regarding these ideas.

Do not give gifts out of obligation. It’s wasteful–wasteful of your money, and yours and the recipients time. If you must, a card will suffice, perhaps with an offer to grab coffee sometime so that you can get to know the person better.

Give consciously– in as many regards as possible, to those on your gifting list. Your gift selection has the opportunity to be powerful. You do not and should not necessarily give a gift that is on the recipients wishlist– a Nintendo thingybob might make a 15 year old girl happy, but how stoked would she be in the long run if you gifted her with a genius, older, wiser, cuter, older sister type? Think sweetly. Think carefully. If you care enough to have this person on your list, you probably know them fairly well. Make something for them. Purchase carefully from a friend or acquaintance that makes handcrafted items (if you must, use Etsy, but so many people have businesses that you shouldn’t have too much trouble finding them within your circle).

Give of yourself, without expectation. This is so simple, and often my go-to when I am feeling down. So often, people expect to have to give money when they hear “donate” during the holidays. Don’t get scared! Not everyone wants your dinero, and you totally have the chance to offer up on your own terms!

Here are some examples and ideas from my own little life:

When my brothers and I were young, our family was poor. We regularly didn’t have a Christmas tree, or presents (we did have stockings, which my mother festively filled with oranges, apples, nuts, and one candy cane each– she was very concerned about the health of our teeth!). One year, the evening after classes had let out, we were all driving past the school and saw one of the pine trees from one of the classrooms sticking out of the dumpster! GOLD! We pulled over, yanked the tree out, and set that sucker up at home. We didn’t give a fig about not having presents under it– instead, we pulled out all of our construction paper, magazines, markers, and got busy adorning the tree, making garlands by gluing together peices of colored paper and putting a Barbie doll on top, as an angel. We were SO HAPPY! Finally, a tree! What I am trying to tell you is that there are opportunities all around! HOW FLIPPING RAD would it be if you did some research on your co-workers, or church members, or classmates, and picked up an extra tree for someone who wanted it for their family? HOW FLIPPING RAD would it be if you came over and set it up for them, and then set up a decorating party? That would be amazing! YOU WOULD BE AMAZING.

How many ways can you be simple and  thoughtful? Can you get out of your comfort zone, and not think about what others might think? Can your only expectation be sheer joy–their joy…not yours?

It’s been done to death, but what about volunteering around the holidays? Try not to do the day of–typically, those days are the most filled with volunteers. If you have the chance, pick a more random day to come in and help out some place that needs it. the beauty of this is that you can really play to your talents. There’s always the soup kitchen–since I love to cook, I’ll be there when I’m visiting family in Orlando. Invite friends or family to come with you–but still go, if they decide not to take you up on your activity. Love to act? Offer to read books with kids or seniors! Are you a whip-smart seamstress? I’ll bet there’s someplace somewhere that needs some mending. Think about what you love. Think about who needs it. Then call somewhere and tell them you wanna help. Go through Google and type in your city, and homeless shelters, senior centers, daycares, or Big Brother/Big Sister. Use your badassery!

What do you have that you don’t need? What do you have that can help someone else out? I cleaned out my closet last night, and a lot of items I was just totally over…even though they are still in great condition and cute. Really cute. So cute that friends had mentioned that they were cute. Hmmm. I put up a little note on Facebook this morning saying that I was cleaning and would any ladies size 8-12 like some holiday surprises in their mailboxes? I asked them to send over their dress size and their address, and off these items will be shipped, to women that mean something to me and will appreciate them.

I know that some people think it’s gauche to gift things that have been used, but I think it’s even more gauche to buy new things because of a feeling of obligation! If the present is perfect, and it happens to be used, isn’t the recipient still going to cry tears of perfect joy?

This year, I had a little extra money in my account from commissions, so I asked my friends on Facebook if they had a bad ass teenage girl around them that would be a good recipient for a gift. Of course, my friends had a few, and I selected one that was the perfect fit for the gift I had in mind. I feel REALLY good knowing that I’m in the position to do this for someone I don’t know– someone smart and full of potential who’s gonna just soak it up!

I urge you to, if you are feeling down, please be actionable. I cannot promise quick changes in mood. I cannot promise a thank you from someone else. I can only promise that decisive action will get you out of your head while you are busy. It might give you a rush. It might infuse you with power. Fudge. Isn’t that enough?

And one more thing: please remember that gifts are kind– no matter what it is, a gift is a benevolent gesture that says something about the RELATIONSHIP between two people–really, that one person cares for the other. That’s all, pure and simple. And I’m not talking about the gift being indicator of how well the person knows you–really, who cares about that trite shit? A gift is a sweet offering. It is always, always the right thing to do to accept a gift gracefully and with sincere appreciation. If you don’t like it, tough cookies! Seriously. Re-gift, exchange it, or keep your mouth shut. I can’t see many situations (maybe there’s a few? Like three?) where it would be ok to say a particular gift doesn’t cut it.

Here are some fantastic ideas for original gifts. I either know these people, or they inspire me, and so I feel 100 percent confident using their products as gifts. I love them dearly, and I hope you will too:

Agent Lover- Your sassy aunt totally needs a Cake Hat. Pink, please.

Tanya Ramirez- Your teenage cousin is finally allowed to dye her hair purple. Tanya is the lady to make it happen!

Lime Crime- Choose one for the office (Glamour 101) and one for the evening (Airborn Unicorn). Trade with your best friend.

Kim Burly- Your nephews and nieces are coooold! And they love food. Commission a fruit or veggie hat (remember my dear pumpkin one?) and watch them nerd out.

Jenn Emerling- Your best friend is getting married, and you want her to remember the day in magical views forever. I cannot think of a better wedding gift.

Dyana Valentine- Your coworker goes on and on about what she’d love to be doing with her time, but she just can’t make it happen. Gift her a package with Dyana, and watch her world change! Dyana is the great motivator that shaped my commission business. She. Will. Blow. Your. Mind.

Taryn Hipp- Your punk rock little brother needs zines. Stat. Otherwise he’s gonna re-read the “emo” article on Wikipedia.

Miss Tayva- HANDMADE GLITTER BANGLES! Who wouldn’t love these?! Order different colors for different people. Retro, classy, and so so fun.

Mr. Ryan- Mr. Ryan’s Recycled Music is kind of genius. Music classes for your children using recycled “instruments”. LOVE IT.

Lou Lou- Collars, for your mother!  Underwear, for your hot girlfriend!

Alexandra Franzen- Your uncle just quit his job and is grasping at the words to say what he needs to and get his vision out into the world. Alex has those words–and the gentle nudging to get him moving. Alex has been a major force in this past year of my life. She will be a major force in your uncle’s too. BOOK NOW.

Gala Darling- Love and Sequins should have been around when I was 15. Instead, it’ll be great for every teen and 20-something woman on your list. Inspiring. Lovely. And just enough of a challenge.

Clara’s Cakes- Some people just need food. Sweet food. Order some from Clara. All of her treats are vegan, and she doesn’t mess around. Chocolate peanut butter gobs! Neopolitan cupcakes! And Clara’s only 15! I LOVE TEENAGE BADASSES!

Plant Food For People- Grandma wants tamales. Have you ever made tamales? Such a task! Order some from PFFP instead, and bask in the deliciousness. These tamales come in a few different varieties, and are vegan, but you’ll never be able to tell because they taste melt-in-your-mouth amazing.

Molly Crabapple- Keep hope alive with any friend who’s involved with change. Molly does beautiful portraits and illustrations. Grab one of her prints and watch your friend frame and hang it proudly.

When in doubt, buy gently used books from users on Amazon. Books are amazing. Books will never do you wrong. xoxo